I cannot stress enough the importance of affection and non-sexual touch in our intimate relationships. Nor can I overstress the importance of making the effort to set aside time with your spouse, your partner and even yourself for non-sexual loving touch that stays non-sexual no matter how aroused one or both of you becomes. If you can establish this practice early on in your relationship so much the better.
I see many clients of all ages who no longer exchange any kind of touch with their spouses and partners. My clients tell me that they love their partners and have no wish to leave, but they are touch-starved. They're not only suffering the loss of sensual, erotic touch and play, they are suffering from the lack of any kind of touch, commonly called skin hunger or affection deprivation.
Skin hunger as well as anxiety and profound loneliness have become trademarks of modern life, and became a theme of the Covid pandemic when many people found themselves suddenly and completely alone, denied even the cursory, accidental physical contact with other people and animals that happens in normal daily life. Lack of touch can devastate our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. Physical isolation deprives us of necessary feel-good hormones, of bonding feelings, of a sense of being here and being real, of being grounded in a shared reality that can elicit a joyful sense of connection with the world and those we share it with. Touch and 'emotional nourishment' are so important that monkeys chose a mother who gave lots of touch and love but had no food over a mother who had food but never touched them in a laboratory study according to an article in Psychology Today.
I offer sensual touch and a full body naturist massage, but frequent feedback I receive from clients is that the long, simple embrace at the beginning is the real treat. It is the gift of attention, the closeness of another human being, and the skin on skin that is also beneficial.
If you are currently on your own, you can explore non-sexual touch with yourself. It is sometimes referred to as 'havening' (for example, hugging yourself and stroking your own upper arms, rubbing your palms together and stroking your face and hair). You can probably think of a few ways you already self-soothe through touch that is not sexual and this can be a truly self-loving and nurturing practice.
Sometimes the lack of touch has gone too far to be rekindled in a relationship, but I believe it is possible to reverse the descent into touchless companionship by establishing a routine of well-boundaried, regular loving touch that is not and will never be sexual.
For women particularly there are a host of reasons why she may withdraw from sexual touch. Changes in the body due to pregnancy and menopause can profoundly affect a woman's sexual confidence, the menopause can take a sledgehammer to a woman's libido and she may begin to find penetration painful. Or couples might have got into a rut, are to shy or withdrawn to explore new ways of interacting sexually, or just not know how else to express themselves. The message from my girlfriends is that sometimes they really do just want a massage or a foot-rub and if it always leads to sex, the woman may simply withdraw from any kind of touch at all because having to say no all the time, or have sex when you don't really want it, feels crappy, especially when you love someone. Men too have their times when sex isn't high on the agenda: for example, when they are recovering from surgery, highly stressed and anxious, undergoing a life transition or loss, or suffering from various health conditions and the effects of medications.
Regular non-sexual touch in a relationship can build trust between partners by sticking to an agreement. This is a great way to practice setting and maintaining boundaries in a relationship. It also means that you are both getting your skin hunger met and can boost each other's physical and hormonal health (oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin) and emotional wellbeing – a lovely way to express love and care for your partner.
Set aside time each week to give a massage to your partner and set aside another period of time on a different day to receive a massage from your partner. This removes any transactionality and it means the receiver can really relax and look forward to continuing to relax (and maybe being pampered some more) after the massage, and the giver can really give the gift of touch, care and attention.
Do not let it lead to sex! You can always dive into an erotic encounter at a later time and it might even be more exciting having denied yourselves the immediate satisfaction!
Explore ways of touching each other using different techniques and sensations. Ask your partner how they want to be touched, ask yourself how you want to be touched and get to know yourself and your partner a bit better.
If you can integrate this practice into your relationship, I trust you can look forward to deepening and/or reigniting your connection and if you are currently at a bit of an impasse in your sexual connection, perhaps gently and slowly you can begin to rebuild some intimacy with each other.
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